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This testimony is gonna be long, complete and divided into parts, so you’ve been warned.
I remember that the first person that ever told me about the inner child workshops guided by osho disciples was my mother, she went to one of them and get fascinated with them.
I remember it was on the fall of 2006 when, after talking by phone i searched on the internet who was this guy Osho about whom i knew nothing.
In that moment after reading a few sentences in a few internet articles what there was written was that the “Osho stuff” was very much a sect and that this man, Osho, was, well, excentric at least and a criminal at most because of the things he told and did in his life.
This article http://es.sott.net/article/31423-Osho-Lider-de-secta-bioterrorista (look for it in english version) brings forth many data and information of the “happenings” that involves this man and his surroundings in the short 58 years he lived. Here are official documents of the justice courts of oregon in the US there are testimonies of his disciples about the criminal charges against him: http://www.oregonlive.com/rajneesh/index.ssf/documents.html
Obviously, i told my mother that i suspected she went to a activity of a sectarian group. She replied that not at all, that all the people there were very nice and i didn’t understand it and i shouldn’t judge it in advance.
I was going through a bad personal moment and i was starting to think about asking psychological help, but after my first call to a psychologist i get even more depressed after realizing that the person who answered me sounded by phone in a no better way that the one i had at that time… I never thought for a moment that i would end engaging myself with a Osho community in Barcelona, in the Gracia quarter, nor did i imagined that i would became an Osho supporter, well, i didn’t knew many things at that time.
A few days after this first phone call with my mother, i remember she called me again and insisted upon me om going to a Osho meditation center to do a dynamic meditation, she told me that it would help me to feel better.
I had no idea what it was and i thought: worse that i am know i cannot be, to try something new won’t kill me.
So, few days after, for the first time i presented myself there in the morning , in the meditation center. I was kindly hosted, i payed the meditation in advance, i knew that i would need comfortable clothes because my mother told me that, even though, i didn’t knew what was the meditation about at all. I dressed myself and proceded to the long hall of the meditation center, were there was an absolutely new environment for me.
The teacher started to explain the phases of the meditation and i listened, a litlle bit surprised about the different stages of which the meditation was comprised: First it would be 10 minutes standing and breathing (exhaling and inhaling) intensely, arrythmically and irregularly to reach hiperventilation to “awake the unconscious emotional contents in myself”, a second part would come after in which i could “release or liberate” my repressed emotions, letting go and expressing every kind of emotion that i might have “awoken” in the first part of the meditation.
He said that Osho used to say in the second stage: “fake it, fake it, until you make it”. In those moments i was so surprised that i don’t even reflected upon what i was hearing. Everything seemed perfectly normal for them. A third part consisted in jumping and falling on the heels yelling the mantra “hu” to “awake” my “sexual and vital center” located in the “hara” (the belly), tha fourth phase consisted in frozing for 15 minutes after hearing Osho’s voice scream Stop! on the sound system and finally the last stage would be to dance and “celebrate” my “life and my emotional cleansing” did that morning. The whole process whould take 60 minuts, standing, with the eyes closed and no interaction with anybody, just for “myself”.
I never imagined that the idea “for myself” would became “the mantra” that would enter with such a strong push in my life for the next years.
Honestly, i was kind of perplex and all of that sounded very strange to me, but i decided to take the risk and do the suggested.
Meditation started, and there was I, breathing full speed for no reason, taking big quantities of air inside and exhaling big amounts of air outside. As it’s logic, i started to get exhausted shortly after starting because of the breathing effort and i started to think about what i was doing there.
Even in those circumstances, i kept along with this process with a very loud drum-percusion music as a background. I didn’t knew the real meaning of the second stage of this meditation because of the shallow description provided by the teacher and i wouldn’t be able to imagine what was about to happen and i wasn’t ready for it. After finalizing the first stage, a powerfull gong sounded and after that the deafening screams of three adult men which, in addition to the music, that now was kind of a crazy rock piece were just turning the whole situation upside down.
I remember i opened my eyes and thought ¿what the fuck have being doing this guys during the first stage to freack themselves so much? hahahaha, oh god, in that moment i had a moment of mind clarity and said: i didn’t felt any emotion “waking up inside of me” i don’t see any sense to scream here without purpose and goarse here, this dudes have just freaked their minds out. I went ot of the room and left it. Yes.
I set limits to that situation, much before i “discovered” what was to “set limits” and much before i “discovered” that i wasn’t able to set them at all and that my whole life i didn’t know how to set them from the time i was little because i wasn’t taught about it. (that would come after in the codependency and inner child workshops on the Pyrinees.
So, i was there, dressing myself back to street clothes when the teacher went out the meditation room worring about me. I told him that i was ok, that i wasn’t going allong with that stuff and that i was leaving now. I don’t remember the end of the conversation but i left, making a definitive clousure of my experience with Osho meditations.
How confused i was, I had no idea how many times i would do that meditation in the next 4 years and how much that i would defend its efficiency even without really knowing whether they were effective or if the results that appeared were the result of other factors relating to internal rules that were followed in the Osho community.
For a few weeks the meditation subject was left, but again influenced by my mother (yes, my mother had enormous power of influence over me in the past I know) I ended up going to the meditation center, in this case for something more “light”.
It was an Osho kundalini meditation, followed by a session of Reiki.
This time in the meditation center there were much more people and the session that afternoon that taught us the disciple of Osho, owner of the meditation center, a man I met that evening. I listened while he explained the indications of this meditation , much softer than the other one. I remember thinking: well, maybe I was unlucky the first day.
I made the suggested meditation which was to let shake the body releasing the muscles (it was said that at first the muscles would be incurred and arising aches or pains and i only had to “witness those things happening” and do nothing about them, (another “leitmotif” which would be recurring and used indiscriminately in various contexts) A second part of free dance, a few minutes of meditative silence sitting on the floor and finally lying down for a few minutes.
This meditation proved to me much easier to carry out for me, but i did not feel any kundalini. In that times I did not know there were “special ways” to “feel”. That was a new thing for me to sit down with closed eyes and do nothing. Suddenly it was as if i could see the mental content more clearly in my head, as if he had turned up the volume.
I remember the Reiki session. I layed down and I really liked the touch of the hands of the person who provided the technic, it was nice to be lying there doing nothing, just enjoying the feelings and know that the other were paying attention to you.
This whole process was accompanied by elements unknown to me, a scent with odor in the hands of those who gave reiki and procedures and positions ofhands giving reiki.
I remember that a few minutes after the start of the session the person next to me began to cry. I did not know why and frankly I found it odd that in an environment so quiet anyone were to cry. I did not give more importance because I figured people beside know what to do about it. After another few minutes another person started to cry, this time louder and soon a third person also started. This is where all of a sudden I started to feel like I want to cry also and i started as well.
On those times I knew nothing about induction or emotional resonance, or on auto-suggestion, nor on the exogenous factor, simply the urge to cry suddenly came to me out of nowhere and for no apparent reason and I left it out, and at the end I felt more relieved. Later i learned the theory that often “we do not know where come from the emotions we feel,” and that’s still good to feel them all because it has a liberating and emotional cleansing purpose no matter the quantity and origin, the important thing is to “feel” and “express them“.
I bought that reasoning of course, because I knew nothing about these things and after the first session I felt partially relieved. To my surprise, attending the second session the following week I returned to cry the same but more intense, a lot of crying, some relief and go home.
Thus, the same thing did happen for a few weeks, until the master said that he was organizing for the next month a 5-day retreat in the Pyrenees, which will have to do with codependency and healing the inner child.
To be continued in Part II …
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