My experiences with the Osho “community” (II)

I remember that those days back i began to have the perception that what was happening inside the meditation center was something of “another world”. All these people so “sensitive”, “perceptive” and with a “so high” degree of sensory perception, they all seemed to have very clear all the aspects of human experience and spirituality …

When Reiki sessions took place, in which were people screaming and having “emotional releasing”, they were attended by a few passes of special hands by practitioners or occasionally by the teacher, who rose from his place at the head of the room to approach some of the people who was in “catharsis”.

I remember the first day I went to reiki, on the hall there where some flyers on meditation center and in the back of the flyers there was a picture of Osho and three paragraphs about him in which was written how important he was, he who had been named Man of the Year or influential person of the century Indian or something like that …

221945_192830004093461_2100304_nOf course, the flyer didn’t mention anything about his private army in his mega-village-with-the-same-name-as-his in Oregon, and his arsenal of weapons, or its chemical and bacteriological laboratory, nor his 93 Rolls Royce (later on i would hear his disciples  tell first hand stories about some of these “trifles”) or the accusations with evidence of children who lived in their community and were neglected/abused or the  attack with salmonella his disciples organized under his command on the neighboring town to the “ashram” in Oregon to try to seize power in local elections and banner the federal investigations so the commune would not be closed … nothing about that. By that time I knew no more than the fact that the man was “special” for some reason and that he was “illuminated”, which at the moment was just a very interesting word to me that i knew nothing about.

Later I would learn that the “spiritual enlightenment” was a “special” state in which the person was perceived itself undivided from the rest of existence and thus obtained a permanent state of peace and cease of inner fighting. Obviously, in that time I had no idea what was solipsism and the devastating effects of this ideology in the human psyche, and i had no clue that the alleged “enlightment” of the master was in fact this solipsistic trance.

In those days the only thing I cared about was feeling good. This was imperative for me because due to a concatenation of painful events, I was frustrated professional, personal, emotional and familiar in the course of a few months because of the events that had been happening in my life in those times.

It was a time when I was deeply vulnerable, as my sense of self, my sense of morality and above all my trust in my ability to get out from that strange situation where I was were reeling.

I acknowledge that my curious , critic and researcher nature at the time was eclipsed by the supposed goodness and spirituality of the people who were in that “little corner of heaven on earth” which was the meditation center “in the heart” of Barcelona.

At that time began for me the process of mental breakdown (which of course he knew nothing about) based on the fusion and confusion of perception and reality.

In my life, until then, I had never asked myself if that subtle inner feelings and impressions that i felt every day would have much significance in my daily life with people, with the violin, with studies and work … etc I never thought about that.

But after a few sessions of meditation and reiki, hearing what the “master” i began to understand that the inner sensory perceptions were the only really important thing in life, or so it seemed.

That means, that subtle sensations and perceptions that I had, in a “magical” way, if set my attention upon them for enough time and if avoided thinking and lettind my mind interfere, would cause changes in my life and I would obtain healing and depth as a human being.

Which means that at this point my common sense of discernment and my sanity were leacking everywhere and i seemed not to notice it. I only remember that what seemed coherent and it should be easy, because those to whom i looked out there in the center seemed all very meditative, spiritual, dressed in white colors and speaking in a voice very “soft and loving”, which contrasted sharply with the normal tone of people from outside the center, which gradually began to make me think the people outside the center were insensitive, a main characteristic of the “unconscious” people.

All these arguments were derived either directly by teacher’s speech / behavior or by is indirect assesments about humans and life.

But the group of acolytes around the teacher and Osho ideology ultimately were the most active propagators. As I say, my common sense and discernment were entering in a state of default, bankruptcy, ousted by a new sense of non-judgment, total acceptance advocated by words and suggestions, by the behavior of this new “theater game” in which I was introduced. The underlying ideology that permeated and permeates the whole movement was the very key, the ideology of Osho, of which I had no idea and didn’t find out until about seven years after its foundation: solipsism .

Having done this subsection on my subjective impressions of those first weeks, I return to the narrative …. ah yes, the first workshop of codependency and healing the inner child.

I remember that a few weeks before the workshop there was a talk in the afternoon in which “the master” of the meditation center, – a man of a singular physical appearance, a disciple of Osho, whose name in spanish was a mystery (now i understand why, because it turned out to be a fairly common name, much less ‘special’ than the one given by Osho) and calling himself by a name given to him by a celebration of initiation into sannyas, to be a disciple of Osho -. said, in his characteristically spiritual tone (a fact that at that time I was fascinated because i thought his voice was a reflection of a deep state of love, knowledge and higher spiritual evolution) some of the things related to the workshop to be held in Catalan foothills of the Pyrenees a few weeks later.

EXPLORANDO MI MODELO DE LAS TRES CAPASHe explained very general things about emotions and also outlined a simple three-layer model in which, or so it seemed to me, everything seemed really very simple: in reality difficult and painful things in our lives had to do it yes or yes with a part of ourselves called inner child (which he characterized by a mini plush doll with human shape in red color) and that if we knew that part and we could heal or “integrate” it,  all would be well, because the state of not-healing that inner child was the one that produced by a special phenomenon that we attracted unpleasant things into our lives.

Under this assumption inner child that I mentioned was the essence that you really “are”, a set of positive qualities associated with early childhood such as love, trust, vitality and so on, you were matched to the qualities you had in coming to this world, qualities which are strongly present in us the first years of our lifes, until the mind appears (which soon i discover that in this Osho world was the analogy to Devil of the Catholic Church, that is, enemy No. 1) and clouds all those nice qualities that we are generating a protection layer which function is to protect us from feeling the painful things in our lives.

I at this point in my life, 21 years old, had never stopped to think about all these things and I found a very good idea to go to the workshop to try to learn more about myself in this new “ambience” I was discovering full of “spiritual” people.

What I wanted to know was how to heal myself (and it was clear that there was something unhealthy in me that had to heal after listening the speech), how to feel good about myself, rediscover my identity and purpose in life, etc …

So one day I got a bus heading north and i came the closest village to the farmhouse where the workshop was held, there I met more people who also attended the workshop and together we took a taxi to get there, just a few kilometers further.

Upon the arrival there were a few people standing outside the main door. They were in front of the old stone farmhouse in an environment with a beautiful nature, but I remember that weather day was not good and couldn’t enjoy the surroundings to their full potential.

I remember I said hello and i went upstairs to the second floor of this farmhouse, also i  remember feeling like little children when they go to school for the first time, among expectant, little suspicious and nervous.

However, I climbed those stairs and I ended up getting into a very large room that was kind of a distributor, which had doors to many different rooms, the room to the right we would use as “work room or class” and there were also common areas of showers and else.

There was the teacher sitting behind a large table, talking and embracing other newcomers. He greeted me and explained me where I would sleep and what time we would begin that afternoon. He also told me to pay him right there before starting to leave settled the issue and so I did.

My first 500 euros invested in therapy, I remember i thought, “let’s see if it’s worth all this.”

Continuing in part III…

My experiences with the Osho “community” (i)

This testimony is gonna be long, complete and divided into parts, so you’ve been warned.

I remember that the first person that ever told me about the inner child workshops guided by osho disciples was my mother, she went to one of them and get fascinated with them.

I remember it was on the fall of 2006 when, after talking by phone i searched on the internet who was this guy Osho about whom i knew nothing.

1-199In that moment after reading a few sentences in a few internet articles what there was written was that the “Osho stuff” was very much a sect and that this man, Osho, was, well, excentric at least and a criminal at most because of the things he told and did in his life.

This article http://es.sott.net/article/31423-Osho-Lider-de-secta-bioterrorista (look for it in english version) brings forth many data and information of the “happenings” that involves this man and his surroundings in the short 58 years he lived. Here are official documents of the justice courts of oregon in the US there are testimonies of his disciples about the criminal charges against him: http://www.oregonlive.com/rajneesh/index.ssf/documents.html

Obviously, i told my mother that i suspected she went to a activity of a sectarian group. She replied that not at all, that all the people there were very nice and i didn’t understand it and i shouldn’t judge it in advance.

I was going through a bad personal moment and i was starting to think about asking psychological help, but after my first call to a psychologist i get even more depressed after realizing that the person who answered me sounded by phone in a no better way that the one i had at that time… I never thought for a moment that i would end engaging myself with a Osho community in Barcelona, in the Gracia quarter, nor did i imagined that i would became an Osho supporter, well, i didn’t knew many things at that time.

A few days after this first phone call with my mother, i remember she called me again and insisted upon me om going to a Osho meditation center to do a dynamic meditation, she told me that it would help me to feel better.

I had no idea what it was and i thought: worse that i am know i cannot be, to try something new won’t kill me.

So, few days after, for the first time i presented myself there in the morning , in the meditation center. I was kindly hosted, i payed the meditation in advance, i knew that i would need comfortable clothes because my mother told me that, even though, i didn’t knew what was the meditation about at all. I dressed myself and proceded to the long hall of the meditation center, were there was an absolutely new environment for me.

clases01Floor chais, coushins, soft lights, inciense scent, an Osho photography over a wooden shelf and another three men in the room.

The teacher started to explain the phases of the meditation and i listened, a litlle bit surprised about the different stages of which the meditation was comprised: First it would be 10 minutes standing and breathing (exhaling and inhaling) intensely, arrythmically and irregularly to reach hiperventilation to “awake the unconscious emotional contents in myself”, a second part would come after in which i could “release or liberate” my repressed emotions, letting go and expressing every kind of emotion that i might have “awoken” in the first part of the meditation.

He said that Osho used to say in the second stage: “fake it, fake it, until you make it”. In those moments i was so surprised that i don’t even reflected upon what i was hearing. Everything seemed perfectly normal for them. A third part consisted in jumping and falling on the heels yelling the mantra “hu” to “awake” my “sexual and vital center” located in the “hara” (the belly), tha fourth phase consisted in frozing for 15 minutes after hearing Osho’s voice scream Stop! on the sound system and finally the last stage would be to dance and “celebrate” my “life and my emotional cleansing” did that morning. The whole process whould take 60 minuts, standing, with the eyes closed and no interaction with anybody, just for “myself”.

I never imagined that the idea “for myself” would became “the mantra” that would enter with such a strong push in my life for the next years.

Honestly, i was kind of perplex and all of that sounded very strange to me, but i decided to take the risk and do the suggested.

Meditation started, and there was I, breathing full speed for no reason, taking big quantities of air inside and exhaling big amounts of air outside. As it’s logic, i started to get exhausted shortly after starting because of the breathing effort and i started to think about what i was doing there.

Even in those circumstances, i kept along with this process with a very loud drum-percusion music as a background. I didn’t knew the real meaning of the second stage of this meditation because of the shallow description provided by the teacher and i wouldn’t be able to imagine what was about to happen and i wasn’t ready for it. After finalizing the first stage, a powerfull gong sounded and after that the deafening screams of three adult men which, in addition to the music, that now was kind of a crazy rock piece were just turning the whole situation upside down.

89350713.df7YH4iH.rajneesh201I remember i opened my eyes and thought ¿what the fuck have being doing this guys during the first stage to freack themselves so much? hahahaha, oh god, in that moment i had a moment of mind clarity and said: i didn’t felt any emotion “waking up inside of me” i don’t see any sense to scream here without purpose and goarse here, this dudes have just freaked their minds out. I went ot of the room and left it. Yes.

I set limits to that situation, much before i “discovered” what was to “set limits” and much before i “discovered” that i wasn’t able to set them at all and that my whole life i didn’t know how to set them from the time i was little because i wasn’t taught about it. (that would come after in the codependency and inner child workshops on the Pyrinees.

So, i was there, dressing myself back to street clothes when the teacher went out the meditation room worring about me. I told him that i was ok, that i wasn’t going allong with that stuff and that i was leaving now. I don’t remember the end of the conversation but i left, making a definitive clousure of my experience with Osho meditations.

How confused i was, I had no idea how many times i would do that meditation in the next 4 years and how much that i would defend its efficiency even without really knowing whether they were effective or if the results that appeared were the result of other factors relating to internal rules that were followed in the Osho community.

For a few weeks the meditation subject was left, but again influenced by my mother (yes, my mother had enormous power of influence over me in the past I know) I ended up going to the meditation center, in this case for something more “light”.

It was an Osho kundalini meditation, followed by a session of Reiki.

This time in the meditation center there were much more people and the session that afternoon that taught us the disciple of Osho, owner of the meditation center, a man I met that evening. I listened while he explained the indications of this meditation , much softer than the other one. I remember thinking: well, maybe I was unlucky the first day.

I made the suggested meditation which was to let shake the body releasing the muscles (it was said that at first the muscles would be incurred and arising aches or pains and i only had to witness those things happening” and do nothing about them, (another “leitmotif” which would be recurring and used indiscriminately in various contexts) A second part of free dance, a few minutes of meditative silence sitting on the floor and finally lying down for a few minutes.

This meditation proved to me much easier to carry out for me, but i did not feel any kundalini. In that times I did not know there were “special ways” to “feel”. That was a new thing for me to sit down with closed eyes and do nothing. Suddenly it was as if i could see the mental content more clearly in my head, as if he had turned up the volume.

I remember the Reiki session. I layed down and I really liked the touch of the hands of the person who provided the technic, it was nice to be lying there doing nothing, just enjoying the feelings and know that the other were paying attention to you.

This whole process was accompanied by elements unknown to me, a scent with odor in the hands of those who gave reiki and procedures and positions ofhands giving reiki.

I remember that a few minutes after the start of the session the person next to me began to cry. I did not know why and frankly I found it odd that in an environment so quiet anyone were to cry. I did not give more importance because I figured people beside know what to do about it. After another few minutes another person started to cry, this time louder and soon a third person also started. This is where all of a sudden I started to feel like I want to cry also and i started as well.

On those times I knew nothing about induction or emotional resonance, or on auto-suggestion, nor on the exogenous factor, simply the urge to cry suddenly came to me out of nowhere and for no apparent reason and I left it out, and at the end I felt more relieved. Later i learned the theory that often “we do not know where come from the emotions we feel,” and that’s still good to feel them all because it has a liberating and emotional cleansing purpose no matter the quantity and origin, the important thing is to “feeland “express them.

I bought that reasoning of course, because I knew nothing about these things and after the first session I felt partially relieved. To my surprise, attending the second session the following week I returned to cry the same but more intense, a lot of crying, some relief and go home.

Thus, the same thing did happen for a few weeks, until the master said that he was organizing for the next month a 5-day retreat in the Pyrenees, which will have to do with codependency and healing the inner child.

To be continued in Part II

the beginning…

I welcome you to this, my blog.

I start this blog because I feel the need to share part of my message here, in the public view. A message that keeps changing and transforming. A message that sometimes feels complete and most of the time about to start …

In the blog I will publish information that will come to me on different topics, all within the field of education, personal development and educational systems and tools, as I come and go and thinking and feeling about them… I invite you to read the contents that I will hang as a possible research to clarify, bringing light and some awareness to the inner world we have inside and also the world we live in together…

Hoping to contribute a little bit … although it would be better to contribute as much as a mountain if possible, right?

I would like to start my web page by sharing with you something of mine in a universal language that transcends verbal language, music, welcome all once again:

“Education, communication and action will lead us to justice and freedom”

Happy 15th may 2012