I remember that those days back i began to have the perception that what was happening inside the meditation center was something of “another world”. All these people so “sensitive”, “perceptive” and with a “so high” degree of sensory perception, they all seemed to have very clear all the aspects of human experience and spirituality …
When Reiki sessions took place, in which were people screaming and having “emotional releasing”, they were attended by a few passes of special hands by practitioners or occasionally by the teacher, who rose from his place at the head of the room to approach some of the people who was in “catharsis”.
I remember the first day I went to reiki, on the hall there where some flyers on meditation center and in the back of the flyers there was a picture of Osho and three paragraphs about him in which was written how important he was, he who had been named Man of the Year or influential person of the century Indian or something like that …
Of course, the flyer didn’t mention anything about his private army in his mega-village-with-the-same-name-as-his in Oregon, and his arsenal of weapons, or its chemical and bacteriological laboratory, nor his 93 Rolls Royce (later on i would hear his disciples tell first hand stories about some of these “trifles”) or the accusations with evidence of children who lived in their community and were neglected/abused or the attack with salmonella his disciples organized under his command on the neighboring town to the “ashram” in Oregon to try to seize power in local elections and banner the federal investigations so the commune would not be closed … nothing about that. By that time I knew no more than the fact that the man was “special” for some reason and that he was “illuminated”, which at the moment was just a very interesting word to me that i knew nothing about.
Later I would learn that the “spiritual enlightenment” was a “special” state in which the person was perceived itself undivided from the rest of existence and thus obtained a permanent state of peace and cease of inner fighting. Obviously, in that time I had no idea what was solipsism and the devastating effects of this ideology in the human psyche, and i had no clue that the alleged “enlightment” of the master was in fact this solipsistic trance.
In those days the only thing I cared about was feeling good. This was imperative for me because due to a concatenation of painful events, I was frustrated professional, personal, emotional and familiar in the course of a few months because of the events that had been happening in my life in those times.
It was a time when I was deeply vulnerable, as my sense of self, my sense of morality and above all my trust in my ability to get out from that strange situation where I was were reeling.
I acknowledge that my curious , critic and researcher nature at the time was eclipsed by the supposed goodness and spirituality of the people who were in that “little corner of heaven on earth” which was the meditation center “in the heart” of Barcelona.
At that time began for me the process of mental breakdown (which of course he knew nothing about) based on the fusion and confusion of perception and reality.
In my life, until then, I had never asked myself if that subtle inner feelings and impressions that i felt every day would have much significance in my daily life with people, with the violin, with studies and work … etc I never thought about that.
But after a few sessions of meditation and reiki, hearing what the “master” i began to understand that the inner sensory perceptions were the only really important thing in life, or so it seemed.
That means, that subtle sensations and perceptions that I had, in a “magical” way, if set my attention upon them for enough time and if avoided thinking and lettind my mind interfere, would cause changes in my life and I would obtain healing and depth as a human being.
Which means that at this point my common sense of discernment and my sanity were leacking everywhere and i seemed not to notice it. I only remember that what seemed coherent and it should be easy, because those to whom i looked out there in the center seemed all very meditative, spiritual, dressed in white colors and speaking in a voice very “soft and loving”, which contrasted sharply with the normal tone of people from outside the center, which gradually began to make me think the people outside the center were insensitive, a main characteristic of the “unconscious” people.
All these arguments were derived either directly by teacher’s speech / behavior or by is indirect assesments about humans and life.
But the group of acolytes around the teacher and Osho ideology ultimately were the most active propagators. As I say, my common sense and discernment were entering in a state of default, bankruptcy, ousted by a new sense of non-judgment, total acceptance advocated by words and suggestions, by the behavior of this new “theater game” in which I was introduced. The underlying ideology that permeated and permeates the whole movement was the very key, the ideology of Osho, of which I had no idea and didn’t find out until about seven years after its foundation: solipsism .
Having done this subsection on my subjective impressions of those first weeks, I return to the narrative …. ah yes, the first workshop of codependency and healing the inner child.
I remember that a few weeks before the workshop there was a talk in the afternoon in which “the master” of the meditation center, – a man of a singular physical appearance, a disciple of Osho, whose name in spanish was a mystery (now i understand why, because it turned out to be a fairly common name, much less ‘special’ than the one given by Osho) and calling himself by a name given to him by a celebration of initiation into sannyas, to be a disciple of Osho -. said, in his characteristically spiritual tone (a fact that at that time I was fascinated because i thought his voice was a reflection of a deep state of love, knowledge and higher spiritual evolution) some of the things related to the workshop to be held in Catalan foothills of the Pyrenees a few weeks later.
He explained very general things about emotions and also outlined a simple three-layer model in which, or so it seemed to me, everything seemed really very simple: in reality difficult and painful things in our lives had to do it yes or yes with a part of ourselves called inner child (which he characterized by a mini plush doll with human shape in red color) and that if we knew that part and we could heal or “integrate” it, all would be well, because the state of not-healing that inner child was the one that produced by a special phenomenon that we attracted unpleasant things into our lives.
Under this assumption inner child that I mentioned was the essence that you really “are”, a set of positive qualities associated with early childhood such as love, trust, vitality and so on, you were matched to the qualities you had in coming to this world, qualities which are strongly present in us the first years of our lifes, until the mind appears (which soon i discover that in this Osho world was the analogy to Devil of the Catholic Church, that is, enemy No. 1) and clouds all those nice qualities that we are generating a protection layer which function is to protect us from feeling the painful things in our lives.
I at this point in my life, 21 years old, had never stopped to think about all these things and I found a very good idea to go to the workshop to try to learn more about myself in this new “ambience” I was discovering full of “spiritual” people.
What I wanted to know was how to heal myself (and it was clear that there was something unhealthy in me that had to heal after listening the speech), how to feel good about myself, rediscover my identity and purpose in life, etc …
So one day I got a bus heading north and i came the closest village to the farmhouse where the workshop was held, there I met more people who also attended the workshop and together we took a taxi to get there, just a few kilometers further.
Upon the arrival there were a few people standing outside the main door. They were in front of the old stone farmhouse in an environment with a beautiful nature, but I remember that weather day was not good and couldn’t enjoy the surroundings to their full potential.
I remember I said hello and i went upstairs to the second floor of this farmhouse, also i remember feeling like little children when they go to school for the first time, among expectant, little suspicious and nervous.
However, I climbed those stairs and I ended up getting into a very large room that was kind of a distributor, which had doors to many different rooms, the room to the right we would use as “work room or class” and there were also common areas of showers and else.
There was the teacher sitting behind a large table, talking and embracing other newcomers. He greeted me and explained me where I would sleep and what time we would begin that afternoon. He also told me to pay him right there before starting to leave settled the issue and so I did.
My first 500 euros invested in therapy, I remember i thought, “let’s see if it’s worth all this.”
Continuing in part III…